Fujoshis 101: Identification and Avoidance
By Professor Fitzpatrick
Today, we’ll teach you how to identify, avoid, and escape from Fujoshis. It may seem daunting, but once you learn these tactics, you’ll be a better otaku. Unless you are a Fujoshi yourself, in which case I’ll just ignore you.
Before we go onto our core lesson, we need to explain the term “Fujoshi”. The term, not surprisingly, comes from Japan. The research community originally used a loan word from German, but everyone thought it sounded too evil, so we changed it. The term translates to “trashy woman”, and these women are characterized by their love of Yaoi and Gay relationships, at the expense of everything else.
In the same vein as “A penny saved is a penny earned” and “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar”, one of the key phrases I’m a firm believer in is:
Nothing is more dangerous than an overweight fujoshi with a body pillow
in one hand, and a vendetta against your Twitter in the other.
So, class, let’s investigate our research subject, who we call LF. The first trait that we notice of hers is her weight. While it feels cheap to point out, it’s not wrong. In a groundbreaking 2005 study of occidental otakus (Fleder et. al, “Living Habits” 27-28) Dr. Fleder found that 87% of fujoshis were significantly over the recommended BMI. Interestingly, this same study found that 68% had difficulties in their childhood, 82% had no physical or emotional relationships, and an astonishingly high 97% did not have an ounce of financial sense.
Which leads me to the second identifier, the overpriced tchotchkes in their possession.
If we can flip to page sixteen in Fujos in Their Native Environment, you will see the author, Dr. Harold J. Edwards, listed the most common possessions of the Fujoshi. Our own subject, LF, possess all of them. In decreasing order, these are:
Body pillows (unwashed)
Erotic fanfiction journals (or Deviantart accounts)
DVDs (autographed by voice actors)
Body pillows (washed)
We can presume that the Fujoshi purchases these items purely for their emotional value, since the value depreciates faster than a used car with four engine replacements. While some fujoshis never seem content with their horde, others reach a level of comfort for reasons that have not yet been determined. They will then turn outwards, and a lust for power emerges.
This brings me to the third identifier, their need for power. This can manifest in several ways. The most common in educational environments is the attempt to fill anime club leaderships with spineless supporters, while older fujoshis try to become voice actors in the industry. This is fascinating, since their attempts to game the system point towards an inclination to politics. Not surprisingly, trying to manipulate others and using simpering lackeys for their own goals leads nicely to social media battles. Many fujoshis don’t understand that people who are not in the “fandom” do not want their paths to cross and are upset when the fujoshi’s own interests are forced upon them. The Fujo then seeks to cultivate control. They will build social media profiles on Facebook, Instagram, and especially Twitter. While only 54% of Fujos will use Facebook for Fujoshi-based activities, an exceptionally high 88% use Twitter for the same! This is hypothesized to be because of the ease of building an echo chamber, while simultaneously allowing the user to ignore reminders that no one else cares about Haikyuu, especially when the characters are macking on each other.
We’ve now learned several key identifiers of the Common Fujoshi. Now, how to avoid them? I’m afraid to say this is very difficult. Fujoshis are cancerous, so the best way to stop them is to get ahead and cut them off at the pass. As such, if you’re going into a social situation ( a club, a convention committee), what you should do is become friends with them.
I mean, you should become friends with everyone but them. By befriending the other members of the social group, you will isolate the Fujoshi. They will attempt to pull on their support team, so it is only fair that you create your own, especially when seasons worth of Free! is the punishment on the line.
The second part of this is to make yourself invaluable. By building those friendships with non-Fujoshis, you can become a cornerstone Fujoshis cannot remove. Usually this will entail winning a seat on any organizational committee you encounter but becoming a mod on a Discord server is also a valid tactic.
Now that you’ve gained friendships and authority, you can prevent the Fujoshi from getting her way. Recruit members, survey the population, and bribe the membership. Once you have the numbers on your side, you have the power to mock the Fujoshi when she attempts to force her way. Now that you have established your dominance, the only thing left to do is hope they get frustrated enough to leave. It will still make things interesting if you have a class with them, but making snarky comments at them from a long enough distance is a sound strategy.
Thus, we move onto the final topic. Escaping from fujoshis. While this does sound like a bad action movie from the 80s, it’s a complicated manuver.
If you are dating a Fujoshi:
- Check to see if you are weighing more than 200 pounds. If you are, I am sorry, but you’re toast.
- If you’re not of this weight, then you are in luck. Once she starts forcing topics that you are not interested in, just leave.
- See Step 2.
In conclusion, anime fandom is a tricky landmine-based interest. Fujoshis are one of these landmines, who aim for weird sexual gratification over anything else that makes anime worth watching. LF is investing herself in an anime club and following the classic manuvers, so you are all assigned to keep an observation journal of her activities over the next week.